What are the rules of text messaging?

While we are trying to decode men, we've decided it might be helpful to decode their language, in particular their SMS language. Through dating, we've come up with a list of rules to follow and meanings behind this 21st century form of communication. So what are the 10 commandments of text messaging?

1. Thou shalt message if thou says thou will message.
In an ideal and romantic world (where SMS probably wouldn't exist), the guy is the person who messages first. But in today's dating society, things have changed. There is a new rule. After meeting a potential date for the first time it is the duty of the person that showed the promise of taking the next step that should be the first to message following this meeting. Which means, after a night at a bar talking to a guy, whoever first asked to exchange numbers/said they would talk to you soon/said "we should catch up" is the person that should send the first text message.
If this doesn't happen, it puts the potential receiver of the SMS in a confusing situation, because now they don't know if the other person was keen to follow through or not. If the potential receiver now sends the first text, they could be setting themselves up to be rejected.
After this initial SMS is sent, the 'messaging first rule' keeps going. Generally speaking, you should take turns in being the first to message. For example, if the guy messages first after the initial meeting, then the girl should message first the next time they have an SMS-exchange. But the overall rule that overrides this 'taking turns' scenario is that whoever says they will send a message the next day, the next week, or whatever, is the person who MUST send that message. (If you don't want to keep in contact, don't say you will message them!)

2. Thou shalt message within the appropriate time frame.
Following on from commandment number one, this commandment is under the same principle. If you give a specific time frame for when you will send a message, this is the ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM time frame to send that message. For example, if you meet someone on Saturday and say you will message them during the week, it has to be before next Saturday. Failure to do this, once again, puts the potential receiver in a confusing situation and sends the sign that you're not keen.
So what happens if no time frame is set? We think that three days is the acceptable time limit to send the first text message after meeting a potential date for the first time. Really, if you had a good night and hit it off, you should send a text the next day to secure your interest. From a girl's perspective, bonus points are given to the guy who sends a cute message at the end of the night telling you it was nice to meet you.

3. Thou shalt be interesting and interested.
Congratulations, you've met the guy, he told you he would message you, and now he's just messaged you when he said he would. Where do you go from here? The fundamental rule for text messaging is this: the SMS-exchange is not about telling every bit of your life and finding out every bit of theirs - that's what the date is for. The SMS-exchange is purely for registering potential interest in the other party and securing the date.
Keep the messages light, casual, flirty and fun. Potential topics should not stray from basic lines, i.e. how was their day, did they have a good time the other night, and most importantly, when will the date take place.
Keep yourself interesting. You need to say enough without saying too much - you don't want to look boring, but you need to keep some mystery about yourself (otherwise why would they want to go on a date with you?) And make sure you're interested about them as well. When they tell you they've been on their boat all day, your next enquiry or comment should be about their boat.

4. Thou shalt know when to stop the SMS-exchange.
Generally, messaging follows a question-and-answer format, i.e. "What did you get up to today?" "Just had work, how about you?" "I went shopping. Where do you work?" "I'm a highschool teacher. What did you buy?" etc etc etc. (This is purely a basic example... please do not model your SMS-exchanges off this - you won't secure the date!) The idea is, if you want to keep the SMS-exchange going, you keep asking questions or sending messages that require a reply. When you are ready to finish the SMS-exchange, stop asking the questions and make it clear that it is finished, for example "Anyway, I'm off for a walk. Talk to you soon." As per commandment number two, giving a specific time frame for the next SMS-exchange is good because it avoids any confusion.
An important thing to consider is, even though the SMS-exchange with a potential date is extremely exciting, don't go overboard. There's no maximum number of messages to send, but don't keep it going forever.

5. Thou shalt not misspell.
A common annoyance of ours, and an extreme embarrassment in the SMS-exchange, is misspelling words. Not everyone is born with perfect spelling and grammar, but misspelling common words is a faux pas. Straight away, your attractiveness goes down several points - noone wants to date an idiot. If you really have no idea, either you should not be using that word, or look it up. Typos are understandable, but reading through before you send is usually worth it. It's a text message, so the receiver will never know how much effort you went to!

6. Thou shalt use appropriate abbreviations.
Abbreviations in text messages are very helpful. They help keep the message casual and tone it down, whilst avoiding misspellings as in commandment number five, and show that you're tech-savvy. But you need to be careful. Stick to the ones that everyone knows, e.g. lol (laugh out loud), rofl (roll on floor laughing), gtg (gotta go), thanx (thanks), prob (probably), ttys (talk to you soon), btw (by the way), soz (sorry). The worst thing that can happen in an SMS-exchange is not understanding the other person. It's really awkward to have to ask what they meant in their last message.

7. Thou shalt message at the appropriate time of day.
There are certain times of day that are best for SMS-exchanges. Unless otherwise specified by the sender (as in commandment number two where they've told you when they will message), the best time is evening/night... as a general rule, when it gets dark. The morning can catch people when they're still asleep or look too keen, during the day people generally are busy, and late at night is selfish and rude - it also screams booty call or drunken message. Evening or early/mid night are best because you can enquire about their day/plans for tomorrow etc.

8. Thou shalt not xoxo too soon.
The xoxo should not be used lightly. In fact, it's usually best to avoid it altogether until several dates into the relationship. Xoxo are for friends, not for someone you've just met. Using xoxo too early makes you look way too keen and can scare the potential date off. (We've learnt it doesn't take much to scare guys!)
It can also make it seem less special, especially when guys use it. If you send a xoxo in the first text message, how do we know you don't do it to every girl you meet? How do we know when you actually do like us? The verdict is in: AVOID!

9. Thou shalt not use pet names too soon.
Firstly, we should make it clear that we are rather biased on this point because neither of us like pet names, period. But if you MUST use pet names, the same goes for commandment number eight - don't use them lightly. Even more so, pet names should be reserved for deep into the relationship. Tacking a "babe", "baby" or "gorgeous" onto a text message is pretty serious stuff. Find out if the person likes pet names and which they prefer before you go writing them in text messages.
As in commandment number eight, using pet names straight up can seem less special (once again, especially when guys do it.) Not only could they call all girls "baby" but they might have even forgotten your name.

10. Thou shalt stop messaging when the time is right.
SMS-exchanges are good for the early days of dating, but they can't last forever. As we mentioned before, SMS-exchanges are purely for registering interest and securing the date. Once the date has been secured, the SMS-exchanges don't have to stop, but proper phone calls should start taking place. It is courteous and polite, not to mention it makes sense that if you're able to meet them face to face, you should be able to have a conversation with them over the phone.
Congratulations if you get to this stage, you obviously both like eachother. The SMS-exchange has served its purpose!

Should we follow the 'he's just not that into you' rule?

We're sure you all recall that a few months ago we wrote about a confusing dating situation between Veronica and Charlie (if you don't know what we're talking about look back to February posts). Unfortunately this limbo-like dating situation is still up in the air. This is what has happened since: after another month of the usual flirty text messaging, Veronica and Charlie finally met up and had a lovely date together. Veronica thought things were going well but, two weeks later, and it's confusing again. After reading several signs she still doesn't know whether he likes her or not.

Sign 1. After the first date he promised he would message the next day and he did. Likes.
Sign 2. A few days later she asked him on another date and he said yes. Likes.
Sign 3. At the last minute he cancelled the date because he was "just buggered". Doesn't like.
Sign 4. After promising to reschedule he didn't. Doesn't like.
Sign 5. He messages again that weekend. Likes.
Sign 6. He was drunk. Doesn't like.
Sign 7. Veronica gave one last effort to organise a date which he agreed to (which will commence in 2 hours. Fingers crossed!). Likes.

We don't know all the 'dating rules' but one that all girls should know is the "he's just not that into you" rule. The rule states that if a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you. If he doesn't act interested, he's not interested. And if a guy acts like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions.

Although it seems to be harsh if a girl comes to terms with this rule it can make dating a lot easier. Take Sex and the City, in the episode where Miranda learns of the "he's just not that into you" rule. She takes the rule on board and when her date doesn't follow through it's okay because she could see it coming - he declined an invitation to spend the night in her apartment in the first place. In the movie based around this rule, "He's Just Not That Into You", when Gigi hears the rule after her date never called, it makes her dating life easier from that point forward.

We've written before about how it's so difficult to tell if a guy likes you. If this rule works in theory, it removes all the hard work in dating. If a guy doesn't like you, you know he doesn't like you, because he acts like he doesn't like you, and then you can move on. How easy is that? But that's only if this rule actually works because we've come to realise that it doesn't always.

We believe most girls have accepted the 'he's just not that into you' rule. But the problem with the rule is that guys don't act by it. What we mean is: he will act like he's not interested but give it a few days and chances are he will be interested again. Take Charlie. After the first time Veronica asked him on a date and he didn't follow through, she was ready to write him off. Then he continues to message her so she thinks he must like her. After their first proper date went well and he followed through with a message the next day she started to get excited. But when he cancelled the next date she went to back to square one again. You can see why this gets confusing. It's not just Charlie, this has happened to us over and over and over and over again. And we are sick of it!!! It's confusing and exhausting and one of the most frustrating aspects of dating. So now where does that leave us?

Unfortunately if we knew the answer to this question we probably wouldn't be in situations like these and get so frustrated about it. If you have any thoughts let us know, because we're stumped on this one. All we can offer is perhaps a reason as to why guys defy the 'he's just not that into you' rule. In our experience, although the girl accepts the rule and begins to get over the guy, he's actually not willing to let her go - whether he likes her or not.